The New Year…

The New Year…leaving the old and facing the new…without you Scott…for the first time…or again and again… It was hell.

I have to be honest…I struggled greatly as the dreaded new year approached. Sometimes it was harder for me than Christmas.  I hated that day coming…feeling Scott and I were separated by another year. The date…the pain, the distance, the fear of him moving way from me, or that time was taking him to new places unknown to me filled me with anguish. I had no answers…only my fears and imagination of what was coming or being left behind.

I love you, I feel you…and yet I miss your body, your hugs, your future, your everything.

We count the days, the weeks, the months…the year ending…putting the old calendar away, starting up again with a new January.  Oh God. As some were gearing up with New Year’s resolutions and new hope, I was not ready to look at a new year without Scott.

I felt desperately alone and separated from the rest of society.  How could I explain to them the immensity of this crossing over into a new year…without Scott?

How many years did I struggle? I cannot tell you for certain, but I know it impacted me greatly.

What did I learn from those new years…now that I know everything has meaning?

In time…because everything is a process too…I began to see, trust, and accept that Scott was not “gone”…that a new year was not going to separate us as I had so internally agonized, feared and fought.

Those had been deeply rooted fears I needed to work through…HAD to work through to begin to see and feel the reality of the spiritual connection Scott and I now shared.  As I moved into the new Januarys of the next years…I had something to hold onto from the previous years…

Scott did not leave me.  No… Our love continues into the next year…and the next, and the next…into forever. We soul planned this life and death journey.  We were partners in life and that partnership most certainly continues after death… The calendar cannot ever stop our spiritual relationship and our love.

Scott/Spirit’s words ~

The partnership Mom/Sara writes of is one that cannot be changed or challenged because of the beauty of soul plans.  I had to be Sara’s son. She had to be my mother… Etched into the spiritual paths we take together.  Such important work we did together while I was in my body, and it now continues spiritually…equally important and necessary.

The same is true for each of you… Perhaps that work right now is to trust the love you feel so deeply. The pain, the loss, the missing, the connection. It is our spiritual love you are nurturing.

Take some time to be quiet and know that we have a deep commitment to one another in this new year.  All you feel and miss is pushing you towards us…and we ARE with you. You cannot push us away… You can open up to more…

Let this new year open you up to the possibilities that you might have thought were impossible…

We, in Spirit, are working behind the scenes… We are the words that say… Don’t give up… WE have work to do… You and me…

Listen…

24 responses to “The New Year…”

  1. Heidi Hanson says:

    Thank you for your New Years post. I am so connected to Grace physically…and it’s so hard to see past… Especially this first year. I know she’s still with me…I just miss her so much…I think it’s worse than Christmas for some reason. I’ll re read yours and Scott’s words again later…I know it takes time.

    • Sara Ruble says:

      I understand Heidi… It does take time. Everything in grief seems to take more time than we could have known… The physical, the spiritual, the blending, the knowing there IS more to this life and their deaths… You will see more… For now…be where you are. It is too big to reconcile quickly…
      Trust…Grace is aware of all. She will not leave your side. She knows your soul’s plan. Love is forever.
      xoxo

  2. Susan talon-mazer says:

    Very much needed this as this is my first New Year without m son Ari. You and Scott help me on my journey as I am learning to stay open t all that Ari is trying to share with me from the other side. The physical missing is so intense though along with all those dreams I had of how Ari’s life ( and thus mine) would be. Are there books you recommmend as well to help us on this path? I so appreciate your blogs/emails.

    • Sara Ruble says:

      My heart goes out to you Susan… You are seeking out the “new”, and in doing so will begin to see a bigger picture that is even larger than you could have known. Ari and Scott, all the children and our loved ones are still so present in our lives…even though we cannot see or feel them as often as we want or need. All a part of our journey. The book that changed my thinking and my life is Your Soul’s Plan: Discovering the Real Meaning of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born by Robert Schwartz. Also Dr. Mark Pitstick is a researcher who shares what he is finding at http://www.soulproof.com. The more we know, the more we can understand…
      Thank you for writing Susan. xox

      • A book that has helped me immensely is Soul Sensing by Medium Janice Carlson. It talks about how the people we love that have died really just want to hang aroung us and those they love. It is so full of possibilities. I’m reading it right now and find it comforting.
        I wish you peace on this journey.

  3. Thank you SAra/Scott, I felt it was harder this year for me and mt daughter as well. I do believe Matthew is always with us but missing his physical presence is so difficult. I know I must be patient for things to fall into olace… I am always searching for answers. I do believe that love is forever… carolyn

    • Sara Ruble says:

      Yes Carolyn, their physical presence is so, so hard to reconcile. I know, I know. Give yourself time. You are doing the work…seeking out the spiritual piece, which is our forever connection with our loved ones. Scott and I are “planting seeds”, bringing the soul planning to the forefront for those who are grieving to look at death in new ways and how our relationships continue. Thank you for writing… xox

  4. Linda Recht says:

    My Dear Sara,
    I really needed to hear these words from you and Scott today. New Year’s Eve is especially hard for me.
    Thank you for expressing what I know in my soul is true.
    Love you both.
    Linda

    • Sara Ruble says:

      My dear friend…I can only imagine your missing Barry on New Year’s Eve and beyond. Another year away it feels… I know. In our pain, we are pushed to find something that helps. Spiritually our loved ones are pushing us to understand our new relationships. Knowing how deeply I feel about the soul planning…Barry pushed me to share it all with you. No doubt. And we see more…
      Love you Linda.

  5. Scotty says:

    This was perfect for me today. I have been ill for three weeks and during that time my closeness with Tucker fell away. Oh, I remembered his time in the hospital as they were wheeling me around for various tests. I could feel the fear & uncertainty he’d experienced while dealing with cancer. But the easy “l’m with you Mom” connection just wasn’t there. That’s the worst, not being able to mentally look his way and feel our shared love.
    So yeah, the new year felt scary. “I want you back!”

    Thank you. This message is telling me that nothing has changed. Tucker’s still with me. Just giving me some space to heal. And he still doesn’t deal well with illness & is concerned about me. So like him!! Thanks

    • Sara Ruble says:

      Thank you for so openly sharing your feelings Scotty. I hope you are feeling better. When we are not well, or feeling vulnerable for any reasons…we miss them even more. Such deep love is not easily moved into a new place. I so understand. I’m glad you read our blog today Scotty, to be reminded of the commitment they have to us as well as ours to them. It does take time…but eventually this soul work brings our loved ones to us in that new spiritual relationship. xoxo

  6. Sue Zetteler says:

    I was unprepared for the intensity of grief that hijacked me on New Year’s Eve! No one had told me that it would be such a monumental day, similar to Christmas but so much worse to be caught unaware. I am afraid of this time passing and that it will steal my memories and take him further away from me. Can it be possible to survive this coming year?Last year I could say ‘he passed early this year’ but now I will have to say ‘he passed last year’… How do I make peace with this that I do not want to believe? You do give us hope Sara/Scott and I thank you for sharing your hearts… we need this hope to carry on!

    • Sara Ruble says:

      Dear Sue,
      Years ago, I could have said “me too” to every statement you’ve made here. I understand how you felt “hijacked”. Within the tangled ball of emotions we live with, there are glimmers and then more that show us there is proof of a continuing relationship which creates new memories…and reassurance that your memories are with you forever.
      We feel so vulnerable in this first year and everything is so filled with incredible love and pain… Trusting in the soul planning…that we are not walking this path alone has helped me on this journey. One day at a time…you will see more…
      My heart to your heart.

  7. Sharilyn Bratton says:

    I’m quoting a bit of what you wrote above because it applies exactly to how I’ve been feeling:

    The date…the pain, the distance, the fear of him moving way from me, or that time was taking him to new places unknown to me filled me with anguish. I had no answers…only my fears and imagination of what was coming or being left behind.

    One big/special thing Daniel and I always shared was our love of talking for hours sometimes about religion, philosophy, souls, our curiosity/need to know if there IS God, if there IS immortality and our individual ‘egos’ or identities somehow able to survive the death of the body and continue on…since he died I still read about all these topics and contemplate them, but on some level I feel lost, abandoned, ‘left behind’ as you so aptly put it by my son’s moving on ahead of me and leaving me here, still in the dark and questioning while he now knows the things we once ruminated about TOGETHER. The very person with whom I most loved to discuss these topics is now the one person with whom I can never discuss or speculate again; wherever he is, IF he still is, even, he is so far beyond me now, and when I try to read any of my books about these topics I just feel almost angry sometimes because the chasm between us that his death created seems even larger when I contemplate all that he is privy to now and how silly and ineffective and just plain WRONG so much of what I still blindly ponder must be, to my son and just in reality itself. In some sense our mutual seeking made the journey seem more tangible, more possible, plus it was just fun and gratifying to have someone with whom to wonder and even worry about souls and eternity, etc. Now, even with family telling me to put my faith in God and trust Him and not waste time with these fruitless ‘speculations,’ I still feel isolated and uncomprehending and I guess almost resentful of being left to still flail blindly about most days. I hate feeling this way and it frustrates me immensely; I can still tell him I love him and miss him and reminisce about the music we liked to listen to together, movies and favorite restaurants and so on; but those hours of absorbing, interesting discussions we shared and now not being on the same wavelength of knowledge and understanding really bugs me, sigh.

    • Sara Ruble says:

      Dear Sharilyn,
      Thank you for sharing and expressing your deep feelings so openly. I understand in so many ways. This painful journey, so immersed in our love for our children brings us to these places of confusion. Are there answers? There are… Are there enough answers for you right now to fill your heart and soul with what you and Daniel shared? Maybe not right now,but you are seeking to understand more, asking, taking that hard journey to task…

      Have you wondered about Daniel’s own curiosity, his need to engage with you, enjoying that process so much too, contemplating the unknowns and depth of life and death, if this was his way of teaching you before he left…opening you up to much more than most of are aware of when death came into our lives? The spiritual journey for the two of you was already being taken to a deeper, more knowing place. Your missing all that is so understandable, now when you need it the most.

      Trusting Daniel will continue that conversation with you in time, your work here is to grieve, question, delve into the place where he is now…and find your own answers. That is the journey Sharilyn. But I know for certain you are not alone. Daniel has not abandoned you… He cannot. You two made a commitment in this life (and with his death too) to grow spiritually. Nothing is for naught…ever. It all has meaning. I know you will see more.
      Sending you love…

      • Sharilyn Bratton says:

        Yes, I often felt that with my son, that he was teaching me instead of the other way around. Despite his earthly, corporeal burden (or ‘script’, maybe) of deep depression and anxiety and alcohol abuse, he was in many ways more ‘enlightened’ than many people I knew who disparaged him and his thoughts because he was ‘mentally ill’ in their opinion. For years he gently tried to steer me toward Buddhist-type levels of thinking and when he would struggle with his own ‘failure’ to live up to his beloved tenets and the Noble Eightfold Path, my own upbringing as a Christian would step forward and try to sustain and encourage him with my teachings of Jesus; we tried to help each other along, I guess, but when all was said and done he taught me more, not just about spiritual matters or any certain religion but about myself and the fleeting nature of all things. Seems the only one, true thing I know beyond any shadow of doubt is my abiding LOVE for him and how that will never end, at least not so long as I retain any ‘consciousness’ at all in whatever form.

        • Sara Ruble says:

          Your knowing, your deep relationship with your son, and who your are today Sharilyn, shows me this journey you two came here to share was very needed. We can’t always see through our pain the importance of all we came to experience, but I think you will see that in time. Your journey, his journey…who was the teacher and who was the student? Who have you been in past lives? It becomes a fascination that will take you deeper I would imagine. Thanks so much for sharing. xox

  8. Lainey MacArthur says:

    Sara,

    I want to highlight almost every word that you have written here and Scott’s words as well. It is so very validating to have someone like you, who has done the work and continues to do so as you share your journey with us. I have learned soooo much in this last year! Your blogs is amazingly helpful…..as I was reading the comment (above) from Sharilyn, the similarities between her relationship with her son Daniel and the one that I had with my son Chris is striking.
    This comment resonated with me and helped me to see the reason that Chris and I had this unique and contemplative relationship……it was soul planning!

    “Have you wondered about Daniel’s own curiosity, his need to engage with you, enjoying that process so much too, contemplating the unknowns and depth of life and death, if this was his way of teaching you before he left…opening you up to much more than most of are aware of when death came into our lives? The spiritual journey for the two of you was already being taken to a deeper, more knowing place.”

    Again, thank you for all that you do! Love, Lainey

    • Sara Ruble says:

      So invaluable isn’t Lainey, to find you are not the only one feeling what you are, or that your journey is similar to another’s, and we learn so much from one another? Support and knowledge are two of the most important aspects of our grief journeys. For you and Sharilyn to have had such profound conversations with your sons…before their deaths, was their way of opening you up to your soul journeys, as you discovered Lainey. Spirit uses masterful ways to open us up to greater knowing…always as needed. And we begin to trust the journey in bigger ways. I’m so glad you read Sharilyn’s comment Lainey! xoxo

      • Lainey MacArthur says:

        Thank you for your wisdom! I would love to meet you someday. I live in Columbus, Ohio. Maybe you will have a speaking engagement or something in Ohio soon? How beautiful to know that Chris was “opening me up to my soul journey!”

        • Sara Ruble says:

          Thank you Lainey. It would be wonderful to meet you too! Maybe you, Vicki, and I meet in Columbus sometime? I love that for you too, knowing about Chris. These relationships we have with our children and loved ones in Spirit cannot end…they always ongoing, here and there… When we are aware of this, we begin to see greater meaning in our experiences… xoxo

  9. Judy Schurgin says:

    I just completed the book ” When Bad Things Happen To Good People”
    The rabbi who wrote the book also lost his son in a very tragic way.
    I lost my son 28 months ago and struggle every day and in every way to understand what has happened. I am having trouble accepting my loss. Aaron is my best friend, my soulmate and the joy of my life.
    The message I took from the book is” God did not do this to him and he/ she could not have prevented his passing. But, now what I do with my life is going to help me get through.

    I will read the books you recommended and hope that my healing journey will begin. I definitely need help. Aaron has never given me a sign,and I don’t believe it when people say ” I’m not open for it” trust me, I would do or give anything to feel him near me!
    I meditate almost every day, I go to a support group, I am on the site Helping Parents Heal.
    Please advise.
    Thank you so very much

    • Sara Ruble says:

      Dear Judy… Thank you for sharing. We are all so vulnerable…and must keep looking for answers. Trust you are doing all you need to be doing. Someway, somehow…you will see more. We are not given any kind of road map for this grief…but you are already taking very good steps towards greater understanding. Whatever your journey is with your son, please trust, with no signs yet…he IS with you. This I know for certain. When Scott and I write about the soul journey, it is unique to every individual. Aaron knows your pain, and he knows when to come forward… He will. Love to you…

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